This is a three part series on relationships. Although it is told from a heterosexual point of view, the same issues apply for the LGBT community.

Are you a person who despairs of ever finding the right partner? Have you ever clarified what would constitute a “right” partner? If the “perfect” partner was in front of your nose, would you recognize him/her?

While I hear a lot of complaining to the contrary, there are many good single men and women available in your area who hunger for loving companionship. Yet, many are stopped by:

F # 1 – Fantasy

For instance, if you are a woman, you may be looking for a handsome man who’s richer, smarter, and taller than you…say, someone like Warren Beatty or George Clooney. Did you notice that of those two libertines, one married late in life and the other has had a revolving door of women? Have you noticed that, often, really handsome men get lots of attention from other women whether it is invited or not and whether or not the man is married

If you are a man looking for that perfect doll, like Natalie Portman or

Penelope Cruz, you must ask yourself if you’re a corresponding look-alike of Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.

Many are unwilling to admit it, but they are searching for that knight in shining armor, or the beautiful princess – both fantasies, for sure. Even if you are able to fulfill them initially, fantasies are certain to disappoint you down the line. If your fantasy is a hot, sexy person, and you have your fantasy fulfilled, passion may blur any rationality about them and their issues, and come back to bite you.

Here are three questions to ask yourself regarding your tendency to set your sites on a fantasy mate. You may discover a roadblock or two…

Women

1. Do you automatically dismiss a guy who doesn’t stand out from the crowd?
2. Do you know the exact partner you are looking for including his body type, the color of his hair and eyes, his clothing style, and his desires and passions?
3. Must he make a particular salary for you to give your heart?

Men

1. Must your lady be beautiful?
2. Does your expectation of your prospective woman include an absolute about her weight, height and shape?
3. Do you refuse a potential partner that is immediately interested in you and prefer someone you have to work for?

A “yes” answer to any of these questions indicates an opportunity to change your thought processes and emotions to revise your search for a life partner. Being open minded about the “package” your partner comes in will broaden your chances for a happy partnership. Those self-induced fantasies, based on superficiality, can block you from attracting a delicious, fulfilling relationship.

Be sure to read F2 and F3.

This is a three part series on relationships. Although it is told from a heterosexual point of view, the same issues apply for the LGBT community.

 F#2 – Fatigue

Whether you have a relationship or are looking for a relationship, when you don’t have energy for it, fatigue rules, and you are out of luck. Relationships take time and energy, and they suffer for lack thereof. It’s common sense, and yet, being a constant theme in some lives, fatigue is often overlooked as an issue.

Occasionally, most everyone struggles with being overtired or overworked. However, when you frequently find yourself in a state of diminished physical and mental capacity, your psychological well-being is also impacted, and the quality of your relationship(s) suffer.

Why? Mental and physical fatigue create serious blocks in relationships because they cause a decreased level of consciousness. (We’ll return to this concept shortly.)

Chances are, you know what’s causing your fatigue, and you are resisting fixing the problem. It’s usually about lifestyle choices, habits and routines that are comfortable for you but are not good for you. You hold the power to put the vitality back into your life with use of your personal magic – your will.

However, if you don’t know what the issue is, it would be a good idea to head for your holistic practitioner for a check-up. Your fatigue could be the beginning of illness.

Take a quick inventory of things (excluding illness) that might be responsible for exhaustion:

• Lack of enough sleep: This is a biggie
• Poor food choices (creating mineral and vitamin deficiencies, food intolerances)
• Lack of regular exercise
• Depression/grief/anxiety
• Overwork
• Medications (antihistamines, cold remedies, pain meds, heart meds, and some antidepressants)
• Alcohol/drug use or abuse
• Too much caffeine and/or sugar use, resulting in adrenal insufficiency

Now, let’s consider the decreased level of consciousness that occurs with fatigue. Often, when my clients complain about a partner not being present in the relationship, tiredness is the culprit. How can one be warm and loving when s/he is running on empty?

Could fatigue be ruining your relationship or thwarting the possibility of ever finding one? Perhaps now is the time to re-evaluate your lifestyle and make some changes that support your health and well being so that you have plenty of energy to fully participate in a quality relationship.

Be sure to read F1 and F3.

 Now we come to the third and final “F” of this series – Fear.

Fear is likely the biggest block of all in relationship issues. The three most common fears are:

1. Fear of abandonment, including fear of rejection
2. Fear of being hurt, including fear of intimacy
3. Fear of being controlled

After years of working with people on their issues, I have come to believe that abandonment is the biggest (unconscious) fear in life for a huge amount of the population. This fear is, to a lessor degree, about fear of rejection. Deep down inside, many fear abandonment by God. This leads to unwittingly shoving away the possibility of receiving love so as to protect oneself from hurt.

The obvious first hit can be abandonment by our parents, literally or figuratively. They were our gods when we were little. Later, we transferred that fear to other significant people in our lives. We worry about abandonment through illness, death, and being left. That fear then stays as a shadow in our lives to repel others and keep us safe.

The fear of being hurt also begins early. (Actually, I believe we come into this lifetime carrying fear from past experiences, but for now, I’ll just address our present lifetime.) Our parents, being imperfect beings, hurt and disappoint us repeatedly. We come to unconsciously expect others to hurt us. If childhood pain and our adolescent love experiences of a broken heart are intense enough, we may decide to try to protect this vulnerability by reflexively avoiding love relationships.

Fear of being controlled is common, particularly if one has had a smothering mother or father. If a person has grown up with someone who dominated through over-involvement in her or his life, it was likely damaging. Requests for attention and acknowledgement, constant phone calls or emails, jealous and controlling behaviors can create our cautiousness in the future for a permanent relationship.

Perhaps we cannot ever totally clear old issues, but certainly, huge progress can be made. First of all, taking time to assess our patterns is the most useful. Therapy can be helpful to identify wounds. So can journaling. Rarely do we have change without first seeing and acknowledging the issues involved that keep love away.

Second, the issue must be consciously cleared by methods such as prayer, yoga, meditation, or energy psychology (energy clearing). Talking about your feelings with friends helps. Journaling works here, too.

Third, once you have chosen a partner, keep a close watch to make certain you don’t revisit those issues and act out your fears. We are all like bent tin cans. Although we can get most of the dent out, there is always a little tendency to return to old patterns.

If you’d like help in opening to a new or better current relationship, Compassionate Clearing is a great way to shift your way of being. Call 512-444-9777 for your appointment.

Be sure to read F1 and F2.