F #3 – Fear
In this 3-part series, we’ve covered fantasy and fatigue. For the last article in this series, we’re going to tackle fear. Fear can kill love.
Most single people who want a relationship would deny that fear is an issue for them. However, in my private energy psychology practice, I see that fear of intimacy often rides underneath the surface for many who really want a partner and don’t have one. On an unconscious level, they are pushing away any possibility of attracting the right person.
Then, there are those who are in a relationship who seem bent on destroying it by picking fights. Why do we fight with our partners? I am talking about fights that blow like a hurricane into a peaceful day and leave us broken, exhausted, and confused as we wonder: What just happened?
These consuming and crazy-making fights are generally fueled by unspoken and unnamed fears. Because most of us do not like feeling scared, we have spent years developing strategies attempting to control our fear by squashing it or avoiding it. The problem is, fear does not like being forced out of town. This intense emotion may ride away for a while, but will come back with a posse, armed and ready to force us to hear it and take it seriously.
It is often in a marriage or committed intimate relationship that our fear returns, ready to avenge us for casting it out. We have treated fear as the enemy, so it goes into attack mode. Once there, fear is ruthless.
Fear attacks by pulling us into a dark and catastrophic drama where we become so panicked and terrified that we can’t ignore the fear any longer. For example, perhaps a woman has a deep fear about being isolated and lonely. When this fear hits her periodically, she keeps it inside, trying to push it away. Eventually, the fear that craves to be recognized fights back, spinning a tragic story that features her husband as the ‘losing interest’ spouse who will eventually leave. Her mind, now controlled by fear, gathers bits and pieces of information that confirm and support this story. Before she knows it, she’s at her confused, defensive partner’s throat.
I suggest you try EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tapping to release the fear. You could do it in my office with me or on the phone, or try it yourself. To refresh your memory as to the tapping points, see my article Emotional Freedom Technique. Here is a protocol that may be helpful in working with the fear:
Even though I might not understand what holds me back from finding and staying in a fully loving relationship I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I think I’m ready for a relationship, and it isn’t here, so I must not be ready, I forgive and honor myself.
ET some unknown thing is holding me back from having and keeping my desired relationship, I’m ready to move forward.
This fear I’m hiding from myself
I just don’t know
It’s so frustrating
Why do I pretend to myself I don’t know?
I’m so confused
I’m so frustrated
I just can’t seem to get it right
Even though I don’t have a healthy relationship (or any relationship), I completely love and accept myself
Even though I want to be emotionally healthy in a relationship, and I’m afraid, I forgive and honor myself.
Even though I’m struggling to keep (or create) a healthy relationship, I’m working on it right this minute.
This fear of being smothered, suppressed, limited, trapped or used
Fear of loss of control
Fear of abandonment or loss
Fear of rejection
Fear of being judged
Fear of responsibility or commitment
Fear of the unknown
After tapping on whatever comes to mind, end with a positive round:
I can do this
I welcome love into my heart
I am a courageous person
I love myself and I’m ready to love another.
I welcome the responsibility of integrity in a relationship
I forgive with ease and joy
My arms are open wide
I await the joy of loving.
There you have it. Give that a try. Emotional Freedom Technique is fun!
Robin Heart Shepperd, EFT practitioner
Appointments available in person, by phone, or by Skype