Now we come to the third and final “F” of this series – Fear.
Fear is likely the biggest block of all in relationship issues. The three most common fears are:
- Fear of abandonment, including fear of rejection
- Fear of being hurt, including fear of intimacy
- Fear of being controlled
After years of working with people on their issues, I have come to believe that abandonment is the biggest (unconscious) fear in life for a huge amount of the population. This fear is, to a lessor degree, about fear of rejection. Deep down inside, many fear abandonment by God. This leads to unwittingly shoving away the possibility of receiving love so as to protect oneself from hurt.
The obvious first hit can be abandonment by our parents, literally or figuratively. They were our gods when we were little. Later, we transferred that fear to other significant people in our lives. We worry about abandonment through illness, death, and being left. That fear then stays as a shadow in our lives to repel others and keep us safe.
The fear of being hurt also begins early. (Actually, I believe we come into this lifetime carrying fear from past experiences, but for now, I’ll just address our present lifetime.) Our parents, being imperfect beings, hurt and disappoint us repeatedly. We come to unconsciously expect others to hurt us. If childhood pain and our adolescent love experiences of a broken heart are intense enough, we may decide to try to protect this vulnerability by reflexively avoiding love relationships.
Fear of being controlled is common, particularly if one has had a smothering mother or father. If a person has grown up with someone who dominated through over-involvement in her or his life, it was likely damaging. Requests for attention and acknowledgement, constant phone calls or emails, jealous and controlling behaviors can create our cautiousness in the future for a permanent relationship.
Perhaps we cannot ever totally clear old issues, but certainly, huge progress can be made. First of all, taking time to assess our patterns is the most useful. Therapy can be helpful to identify wounds. So can journaling. Rarely do we have change without first seeing and acknowledging the issues involved that keep love away.
Second, the issue must be consciously cleared by methods such as prayer, yoga, meditation, or energy psychology (energy clearing). Talking about your feelings with friends helps. Journaling works here, too.
Third, once you have chosen a partner, keep a close watch to make certain you don’t revisit those issues and act out your fears. We are all like bent tin cans. Although we can get most of the dent out, there is always a little misshape left. Therefore, we can retain a tendency to return to old patterns.
If you’d like help in opening to a new or better current relationship, Compassionate Clearing is a great way to shift your way of being. Call 512-444-9777 or email dr.robin@compassionateclearing.com for your appointment.